


The Pit of Voles

by matrixrefugee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 17:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17533097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matrixrefugee/pseuds/matrixrefugee
Summary: Sam, Dean and Cas discover just how weird the (in-universe) SPN fandom can be...





	The Pit of Voles

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](https://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/profile)[fic_promptly](https://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/)'s [Supernatural, Any, First time reading fanfic](http://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org/120531.html?thread=5760467#cmt5760467) Contains discussion of badly written fic, fanfic cliches (mpreg specifically: yeah, I went there, making fun of my own pet fanfic trope), childish words for organs and fandom weirdness. Title refers to one of the many nicknames for fanfiction.net.

Sam returned to the motel room to find Dean sitting in front of his (Sam's) laptop, Castiel at his side, the both of them staring at the screen, Cas with a puzzled look, Dean with a glazed look of mild horror.

"Found something that weirds the both of you out?" Sam asked.

Dean jolted back to awareness, while Cas looked up toward Sam, head tilted.

"Sammy, don't sneak up on me like that," Dean said, rubbing his eyes.

Sam snerked, shaking his head. Cas looked Sam up and down, eying the bag of groceries which Sam set on the dresser, and asked, "Are you carrying Dean's love child?"

Sam stared at Dean, then Cas, then looked to the laptop screen. "What? No. Where did he get that from? What are you looking at?"

Dean turned the screen to face Sam. "Fanfiction.net, especially, their Supernatural section."

"I knew that your brotherly love went deep, but I did not think it went so deep into Sam's love channel," Cas said, completely straight-faced.

Sam did not know whether to laugh or groan, instead he rubbed his eyes. "Where's he getting that?"

"'Long Labors of Love', by SamIsDean's... yook> ook? However you say that," Dean said. "It's a thirty chapter epic. Stupid dialogue, stupid plot. Just plain damn stupid."

"And they say I've got a what?"

"A 'weeping love' --" Cas started to say, but Dean shushed him.

"Here's some of the less cringey parts," Dean said, turning the laptop back to himself, clicked back through several chapters and clearing his throat before launching into a reading:

_"'Sam Winchester,' said Dean Winchester, 'I have to confess something to you. That first morning you were here... I thought you were so beautiful. I wanted to kiss you then, but I did not know how you would react._

Sam Winchester gasped in shock. 'Kiss... me?'

'I told myself I must not, because of the terrible ordeal you had just suffered. It was not the right time. But these past few days while I was gone, I could think only of you the entire time. And now...'

'Dean Winchester...' Sam Winchester sighed his name. 'I thought about you too. All the time, while you were gone. I was worried I would never see you again.'"

"And that's the better stuff," Dean said, in conclusion.

"Do you not miss each other when you have not seen each other for some time?" Cas asked.

"Yes, but not like that," Sam said, trying to explain it.

"That's just the first chapter: it's downhill from there," Dean said, clicking through chapters. "Terrible sex scene.... mushy pillow talk scene... morning after scene with Sam -- you -- already woofing your cookies."

"Was the love making that sickening?" Cas asked.

"No, it's just... when ladies get pregnant, they get morning sickness," Dean explained.

"So does the same happen to men when they were pregnant," Cas asked.

"No, guys don't get pregnant," Dean replied.

"Except for transgender men who haven't had surgery," Sam put in.

"Don't confuse him with the details, Sam," Dean added.

"Then has Sam had surgery?" Cas asked.

"He's standing right there, ask him," Dean retorted, starting to lose his patience.

Sam glared at Dean for putting him on the spot. "No, I'm... the way God made me."

"Yeah. So stop shipping us, Cas," Dean said.

"If I were to transport you anywhere, I could do that myself," Cas said, confused.

"I don't think he means that kind of shipping," Sam said.

"Short for 'relationshipping'. When a fankid gets their jollies from seeing their two favorite characters paired up and doing horizontal tangos," Dean explained.

"And do you dance horizontally?" Cas asked, looking from Sam to Dean and back.

"No," the brothers chorused.

"So there will be no future generation of Winchesters borne of your loins?" Cas asked, innocently enough.

"Is that how they put it?" Sam asked, looking to Dean.

"Oh, you have no idea: I'd only begun to describe that wretched fic," Dean said. "There' the morning sickness scene, the scene where they bring in a good witch to examine Sam, a scene where Sam starts showing. A scene where Dean is goofy over Sam's -- ahem -- 'full fertile belly'. Lots of scenes where Dean is goofy over Sam's 'full fertile belly'."

"I think I've heard it all," Sam said, shaking his head and turning away to unpack the groceries.

"Oh, we haven't come to the birth scene. And I don't think the kid who wrote this has ever had sex ed. Should've figured that from the sex scene. Guess men's assholes are some kind of undeveloped vay-jay-jay."

"You did not just use that word," Sam moaned, all but dropping a box of Lucky Charms onto the dresser.

"Oh, I did: that convenient good witch? when the labor gets too rough, she gives Sam a magical vay-jay-jay to save his life. And that's just what the fic-thor called it," Dean said.

"Then we've got a mushy scene where they gush over the new baby -- who's conveniently very clean when she pops out."

"'She'?"

"Oh yeah, you get a darling daughter who's also your niece," Dean says.

"I think I need some air," Sam said, going outside.


End file.
